We’re barely done with the first quarter of the year and already we have been treated to awesomeness of awesomely epic and winning proportions – Muammar Gaddafi and Charlie Sheen! One is Libya’s dictator for decades, a mass murderer who refuses to step down in the face of massive protests, the other a formerly highly-paid but now unemployed actor whose bizarre, drug-fueled quotes have made him a living legend of the catchy but incomprehensible sound bite.
In this corner, Gaddafi:
Gaddafi at a leaders’ summit in Sudan in 2006. Image here.
Consider what panache, what flair, what confidence this man has to wear this garish purple suit to a summit of African leaders! What supreme chutzpah was required to pull this off! Any other man wearing this suit would have been called gay. Wait – gay men would have more taste.
OMG, who’s that woman shaking Gaddafi’s hand?! Image here.
I cannot recognize either the Palestinian state or the Israeli state. The Palestinians are idiots and the Israelis are idiots.
Were it not for electricity, we would have to watch television in the dark.
A woman has the right to vote whether she is male or female!
Democracy means permanent rule!
In this corner, Charlie Sheen:
He posted this photo of himself with one of his live-in “goddesses” on his Twitter account to illustrate his life’s philosophy of winning and winning and winning!
I am on a drug – it’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it once you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.
All we do is put wins in the record books. We win so radically in our underwear before our first cup of coffee, it’s scary.
I’m different. I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man.
I’m here and I’m ready. They’re not. Bring it.
What they’re not ready for is guys like you and I and Nails and all the other gnarly gnarlingtons in my life, that we are high priests, Vatican assassin warlocks. Boom. Print that, people. See where that goes.
Stop the weird, I wanna get off! The world is not prepared for nor can it withstand the continuous torrent of this much gnarly stupendousness of magic extraterrestrialness. But the weird never stops, does it? Boom. Bring it on. Let’s see where this goes.